The Hardest First – 52 Weeks, A Blog Dedicated To Lionel Larry

52 weeks – The HARDEST FIRST – November 17, 2015

It has taken me quite some time to sit down and really face how hard last week was.

November 12, 2015 – My first B day on this earth with out my Dad!

Even just writing that, I need to take a long deep breathe.   As always,  there was the anticipation.  I am learning as I get stronger and more experienced with this path – that the body always knows what is coming, sometimes even before the mind catches up.  Last Monday, I got sick with a brutal cold and I felt out of sorts.  My grief was coming up strong, and I was really unsure why.  I never would have connected it to my b day.  I honestly had to look it up on the internet – would this be a hard day, what were others saying about it?  Then I connected the dots.

I woke up on a day that was normally full of fun, love and celebration – feeling dread.  I did not want to celebrate, I did not want to move, I did not want to face it.  My dad would always tell me stories on my bday, about the day his first daughter was born – the girl after two boys, the best day of his life!  My mom gave me a card, and for the first time in 35 years it  wrote – Love Mom.  It tore my heart open, and out came the tears.  It did not say Love Mom and Dad, and it never would again.  Crazy how the simple things can affect you so much.

The longing was fierce, and the fact that each B day is going to be lonely was daunting.  Everyone will lose their parents at some point, and everyone will live with this pain, just some are spared from it until they are older, they do not have to live as long with it.  I feel young, at 35 to be dealing and facing this pain – although there are some who lose parents much younger than me.  I am learning that grief is not linear, that this pain will always be here, and that every time I hear my Dads voice, or think of a memory, I will cry.  I cry a lot now, for no particular reason.  I was talking to a friend this morning about life.  We were saying how challenging it can be, even at the best of times.  I will never forget some of the final words my Dad said to me as he was passing.  He said it is all just so hard Jodi, it is all hard…..

Life is hard – it is also beautiful and mysterious and full of so much light and love.  Life is everything.  I think when we can accept that fact and stop striving only for the happiness, we actually find more ease and comfort.  Life is everything. Life is love and pain, light and dark, travel and the mundane, work and play.  Life is pleasure and discomfort, fear and ease.

If I could have 5 more minutes with my Dad – I would have played him this song, I would have thanked him for giving up his whole life to make me happy, I would have thanked him for dedicating his whole life to me.  I would have told him that I would hope to be the parent he was….I would have told him that I loved him, and I miss him every day, and it kills me.  I would have thanked him for the love that causes this pain.  I would have thanked him for the love that causes this pain…  I would thank him for my spirit, I would say I love you….