"We talk to ourselves all the time" - Shelley Pomerantz

Shelley Pomerantz has been practicing family, marital and individual therapy for 40 years. She has taught and mentored professionals in therapeutic treatment programs consulted in academic settings, and co-created numerous groups and educational workshops

Shelley has developed a unique therapeutic approach that supports people to embrace and nurture their emotionally stuck spots. Shelley’s passion is to help people when they are at the darkest point in their lives, heal in a way that can transform their lives.

THE INTERVIEW:

In this video, Shelley and I discuss:

• Resilience

• Marriage

• How to transform from the conflicts in marriage

• Why do 50% of marriages fail?

• Why some people shut down from challenges and other people thrive?

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

• Our natural state of being - is one of adaptation - to change, thrive and grow.

• Toxic shame - stagnates growth and change . Thoughts such as - I am bad, I am unlovable, I am not good enough, I am unworthy

• Most parents are highly anxious when the child is anxious or in a tantrum - overtime, that judgment of emotion gets internalized into the child as shame for who they are.

• If we can see our children in intense emotional states and judge less, then we can stay calmer in ourselves

• It's the shame and isolation that becomes pathological or symptomatic - losing sleep, acting out, spinning in thoughts, etc.

• Emotional perfectionism - young idea that when I am lovable, safe, good - I will never ever again feel bad wrong angry distressed alone. This stops us from growing into greater vulnerability.

• ALL Emotions need to be welcome for ourselves and our children.

• Accepting our emotions takes getting to know ourselves in our inconsolable state. When you use absolute language like - you never, you always, its not fair, come here, go away - you know you are there

• Personal power comes from bringing your wall down and opening your heart.

• If you can be aware of yourself in an inconsolable state and not ENGAGE with your partner in that state - this is KEY. Then engage once YOU have soothed your own inner emotions, once you have calmed yourself down and understood your trigger - this is also key.

• The way you will communicate when you soothe your inner child (inconsolable) will foster more connection and growth and less reactivity. It is a PRACTICE - that you have to build!

• Every human has an inconsolable spot - where they feel crazy, distressed, alone. When we judge ourselves in that spot - the isolation, and distress INCREASES.

• When you take the internal shame and judgment out of it - then you can actually heal and grow from it!

• Each partner has to be able to go inside and access their own alone distressed spot - and soothe it internally.

QUOTES TO FILL YOUR SOUL from Shelley Pomerantz:

“Take the judgment out of your intense emotions - It is NOT the human experience to be happy all the time.”

“As a society, we have a shame-based idea of negative emotions, yet all our emotions can teach us something.“

“We are here to love, to learn how to be in a relationship, to have a purpose and contribute.”

“As humans, we have a choice - we need to learn to choose with love.”

How to learn more about the things mentioned in this episode:

To learn more about Shelly’s book called '“What Your Mother Never Told You About Love, Sex and Power” CLICK HERE

Were you INSPIRED by this video?! Drop us a comment below - LET US KNOW WHAT RESONATED - TOGETHER WE RISE XO

FURTHER YOUR LEARNING:

INSPIRED TO LEARN MORE and GROW FURTHER? check out our transformative workshops