Week 17/18 - 52 Weeks, A Blog Dedicated To Lionel Larry

Week 17/18 – Thursday August 13, 2015

I have found it very hard lately to sit down and focus on this blog.   On July 30th – my brothers and three of my dads best friends organized the first annual LIONEL LARRY MATZA BALL golf tournament.  It was a beautiful, but heavy day.  It was strange to be sitting in a room with all the people my Dad loved so dearly, without him.

My mom spoke – I was so proud of her.  Her strength through all of this has been remarkable – I will never have her strength.  She has and always will be – a martyr.  I am not made up that way – but am lucky beyond words to have her as my mother.  I have been to the cemetery once more since Fathers day.  I am not sure what/if it does anything for me, but it is a peaceful place and it is very very queit.  I cannot believe it has been 4.5 months.  I am starting to get some relief, and longer periods of happiness and presence.  I have had some very wonderful summer moments; and at the same time – I feel stuck, heavy and like I just cant shake this “feeling” that I hate.  I feel very drained and not like myself, very spent from all the emotions….

Someone wrote me an email after my Dad passed away.  She said that when she had her first child, her heart opened up a love that she never knew was there – so intense, so deep – an enormous amount of joy and unconditional love.  When her father passed, she said the same depth of pain was there – also unknown and undiscovered, until it actually happened.  The pain as intense as the love of a chid.  That has really resonated with me a lot lately.  Grief is a type of experience that takes over your whole spirit.   – Cancer in and of itself, is a life consuming journey.  I miss my Dad so much, and it is a weight so heavy – but I also hear him telling me I have to move forward, and I have to be the best version of me.  I need to listen through the pain, and hear that more.  When you lose someone, you start to question and ponder so much.  This brilliant song by Pearl Jam describes that no matter how intelligent or in control we are, we will never understand intellectually why things happen and work out the way they do, and we will never understand the end – until it happens.  There is a mystery in that, that we have to surrender to and accept.

Surrender and Acceptance – it all comes down to that.

I love this line so much:

your light’s reflected now, reflected from afar
we were but stones, your light made us stars

i’ve used hammers made out of wood
i have played games with pieces and rules
i undeciphered tricks at the bar
but now you’re gone, i haven’t figured out why
i’ve come up with riddles and jokes about war
i’ve figured out numbers and what they’re for
i’ve understood feelings and i’ve understood words
but how could you be taken away?
and wherever you’ve gone
and wherever we might go
it don’t seem fair…today just disappeared
your light’s reflected now, reflected from afar
we were but stones, your light made us stars
with heavy breath, awakened regrets
back pages and days alone that could have been spent, together..
but we were miles apart
every inch between us becomes light years now
no time to be void or save up on life
you got to spend it all..
and wherever you’ve gone
and wherever we might go
it don’t seem fair…you seem to like it here
your light’s reflected now, reflected from afar
we were but stones, your light made us stars
and wherever you’ve gone
and wherever we might go
it don’t seem fair…today just disappeared
your light’s reflected now, reflected from afar
we were but stones, your light made us stars

Thank you

xo

Jodi