Week 2 – 52 Weeks, A Blog Dedicated To Lionel Larry

Week 2 – April 10, 2015 – Happy 70th Bday Dad!

“As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will sing with the birds, I will laugh with the flowers. I will pray to the stars for both of us.” Anonymous

The morning after my fathers funeral, I woke up and was already crying.  I did not even know that was physically possible.  I felt so lost and empty.   So I did what most people of our modern era do – I turned to google.  I googled “grief”, and could not believe how much information came up.  The quote above was the first thing I saw – I just loved it.  I laid there crying and smiling all at the same time.  The other thing I read that has stuck with me to this day, was a very profound and interesting concept.  A concept that shows that the way you look at things, your attitude and mind state can really shift your situation and feelings.  I tried to look it up again, but could not find the site, so I will do my best at re iterating it.  The concept was as follows:

Instead of seeing the pain of grief in your heart as a harsh, horrible feeling that you want to get rid of, or relieve – see the pain inside your heart, as the person who has passed now always with you,  – always inside you.  The pain in essence is my father who will now live inside my always!  I have used this thought already so many times over the past 18 days.  Instead of carrying a heavy, painful heart – I am now carrying my father inside my heart – always.  The pain still stings, but somehow gets shifted.

I share this concept today, because I know it will be an extra challenging day.  The pain is intense, but it is there because of my father, it is strong, because our love was so strong. The intensity of grief, matches the intensity of the love we shared, and for that I am grateful.  My father is in my heart today – and I feel him strong.

Dad – Today – I will celebrate your B day for both of us! I will try my best to eat, drink and spend time with friends – all the things you loved to do!  I really hope you are celebrating in fine style wherever you are! Knowing you – you have already made so many friends, and they are throwing you a big party!  Happy 70th  Bday! Love you forever.

I want to end this post with an amazing song that has really filled me up over the last couple weeks.  The lyrics are poetic. It is a Pearl Jam song called “Future Days”. The one line in the song that relates to this post is as follows. “ They may die, but in us they live on” The link is here

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1MQy2tjK70

The Lyrics are as follows:

If I ever were to lose you,
I’d surely lose myself
Everything that I have here,
I’ve not found by myself,
Try and sometimes you’ll succeed,
To make this man of me
All of my stolen missing parts
I’ve no need for them anymore

I believe,
And I believe ’cause I can see,
Our future days,
Days of you and me

Back when I was feeling broken,
I focused on a prayer
You came deep as any ocean
Did something out there hear
All the complexities and games
No one wins, but somehow, they still play
All the missing crooked hearts
They may die, but in us they live on

I believe,
And I believe ’cause I can see,
Our future days,
Days of you and me

When hurricanes and cyclones rage,
When wind turned dirt to dust,
When floods they came or tides they raised ever,
Closer became us

All the promises at sundown,
I meant them like the rest,
All the demons used to come ’round,
I’m grateful now they’ve left

So persistent in my ways,
Hey angel, I am here to stay
No resistance, no alarms, please this is just too good to be gone

I believe,
And I believe ’cause I can see,
Our future days,
Days of you and me,
You and me,
It’s you and me

Til next week,

Jodi